A hug from Grandma or Grandpa is often seen as a harmless expression of love. But what happens when a child does not want one?

An Irish advert encouraging grandparents to ask before hugging their grandchildren has sparked controversy, bringing an everyday family interaction into a wider debate about consent, personal boundaries and children's emotional wellbeing.

The video, part of the We-Consent initiative run by the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC), shows grandparents arriving to greet their grandchildren. While one child welcomes the embrace, another appears uncomfortable. It ends with the message: 'Not everyone wants a hug, even from the people who love them.'

The advert drew criticism from people who felt it portrayed ordinary family affection negatively. Ireland's Justice Minister Jim O'Callaghan called the advert 'inappropriate and demeaning to grandparents'. The DRCC subsequently removed the video and two others from the series while reviewing the material.

Although the wider programme receives public funding, Ireland's Department of Justice clarified that the videos were produced by the DRCC and did not constitute an official government advertising campaign.

Beyond the backlash, however, the controversy raises a question for parents and caregivers: could pressuring children to accept physical affection send the wrong message about their bodies and boundaries?

Why Forced Affection May Send Mixed Messages

Child-development guidance emphasises that children can learn about personal boundaries from everyday interactions, including whether they are expected to hug or kiss relatives.

The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents not to force children to give or receive affection when they are uncomfortable. The principle is that children should learn they have a say over physical contact, rather than feeling obliged to accept it because an adult expects it.

When a child is told to hug someone despite expressing reluctance, the experience may communicate that pleasing an adult matters more than their own comfort. Respecting a refusal, by contrast, gives children opportunities to express their preferences and have them acknowledged.

That does not mean a child who reluctantly hugs a grandparent will necessarily suffer emotional harm. There is no basis for claiming that every unwanted hug causes lasting psychological damage. The concern is the broader lesson children may learn when their objections are routinely dismissed.

Read more

Can Respecting Boundaries Support Emotional Wellbeing?

Allowing children to decline affection can help reinforce a sense of bodily autonomy: the understanding that they have a say in what happens to their bodies.

These interactions provide opportunities to practise expressing preferences, recognising discomfort and respecting other people's boundaries. Children also learn from watching adults accept a refusal without guilt-tripping, anger or repeated demands.

Importantly, respecting a child's boundaries does not require families to become less affectionate. A child who declines a hug might prefer a wave, a high-five, a fist bump, or simply a verbal greeting. The aim is to make affection an invitation rather than an obligation.

How Parents Can Handle Unwanted Hugs

Parents can prepare relatives by explaining that a child's reluctance to hug is not necessarily a rejection of their relationship. Some children need more time to feel comfortable, while others may simply prefer different forms of greeting.

Rather than demanding a hug to demonstrate good manners, caregivers can offer choices: 'Would you like to give Grandma a hug, wave, or say hello?' If the child declines physical contact, adults should respect that decision instead of repeatedly asking until they give in.

Children can still learn to greet relatives politely without being required to provide physical affection.

Ultimately, the debate is not about whether grandparents should hug their grandchildren. It is about recognising that affection is most meaningful when it respects the wishes of the person receiving it. Teaching children that their boundaries matter can help families nurture closeness without making physical contact a condition of showing love.

Read more